Love Systems Super-Conference!!!

Can't wait for this years SUPER LOVE / DATING CONFIDENCE / CONFERENCE, only a month to go!! Oh my god they're unveiling the new TRIAD MODEL of love and friendship!! I don't know what's better, the fact that this is the cheapest dating seminar I've ever enrolled in, (only $947!!!!!) or how they make dating like a SCIENCE for my SCIENCE-ONLY BRAIN!

Tenderness equations! Romance loops and routines! Mathematical models of sexual congress! If only they could teach us how to code a PHP/DSX/HTML/APTTTPP program to automatically produce intimacy, trust, and tits. It's about time men worked out a sure-fire method of how to approach / talk to the other SPECIES like adults/friends/lovers. For years women have been tricking me into buying them expensive cars and babies using their feminine "whales," and what am I left with, except my two best buds MATH & SCIENCE. Maybe George Sodini should have dropped a grand on this instead of a couple hand cannons and a can of Crazyade!

Women are scary vampires.

On a different note, just saw a Burger King commercial advertising their new Mini Whopper, in itself an oxymoron. "This one's a real whopper! But small." The ad ends with the catchphrase, "Big Flame-Fresh Taste!"

No

part

of

which

I

can

even

begin

to

understand.

How would that taste? Like licking a fire? A big tongue? A fresh grill? What the fuck? Why is everything so shitty?

I want to yell.

Astral Cheese

Dream sequence (12pm-2pm):

wake up in bed, startled
"there might not be any more pizza"
pizza box sitting on edge of bed
open it to find one slice of pizza left
as my teeth sink into the first bite...

wake up in bed, startled
"there might not be any more pizza"
tear apart bedroom looking for pizza box
failure, sit on bed
realize, there was a pizza box here all along
open it to find one slice of pizza left
as my teeth sink into the first bite...

wake up in bed, startled
"there might not be any more pizza"
tear apart bedroom looking for pizza box
failure, sit on bed
lay my head back onto the pillow
as it sinks into the pillow
my head passes through the pillow
my head and the pillow acting like the jaws of a pizza box
opening in mechanism
there is one slice of pizza left
as my teeth sink into the first bite
i wake up

I don't have any pizza. Matt Mayhem, the song "Pizza Party" that you played yesterday really messed my head up, maybe.

"YBU?"

So I've been sporadically posting links to download my mp3s but I think a lot of those links have expired... anyway head over to the myspace page to download the whole she-bang.

On another note [pun?] -- this year for Jewish Lent I've been busy cramming bird after bird into more bird's asses. Here's my game plan:

So by Easter this year or whatever the fuck day my whole family will be able to savor the juices of twelve succulent birds jammed into each other's butts.

Get in there, guinea fowl.

Fasting Fastilarians

Many Christians are currently fasting for Lent. Here are some other things that are fast.

fastest in the kingdom

other kingdom
one more kingdom

lets give this guy a round of applause, oh wait we don't have to! he's so fast.
wicked fast

fastest to third base
she can eat wings so fast!
"Mike O'Malley Show" cancelled approximately five minutes into the pilot episode. Nice and fast, Mike!

SOURCE Update 12

What's the worst thing about massacring ten thousand Chinese students?

An hour later, you feel like massacring ten thousand more.
Oof, that one's got punch.

Chinese coal worker.


Haha! Fuck you guy!

This looks like what my breakfast sometimes looks like.


Laser-etched truck. This guy also made a machine that makes poop. I am not kidding. It's weird because as soon as people see that the poop comes out of a machine they want to touch / buy it. What the fuck people?

Nice one with the masks!



Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Ah.

Kiddin! Actually a whistle.

On the set of Metropolis (1927) seems annoying.

Nice one with the inexplicable!

Wish my family was this hilarious.

Living in Japan seems hard on the eyeballs.

SOURCE Update 7

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." Lots of silly ideas in this one.

What's-her-face... with an owl-guy?

What!? Is this how you fish for sharks now? What happened to chum?


Not very silly. Kind of silly maybe. More like "I'm a serious artist now so mom shut the fuck up I'm not coming upstairs for dinner because I'm working on this really serious thing"-y.

Now this is American humor. Nice one with the breads and the faces in the breads!

Hey lady. This one is not silly.

I wish my friends were this hilarious.

Nice one with the Seinfelds and the ヌンチャク!

Nice one with the bats and business mans.

Computers used to be the most retarded things. Now I am on one right now.

Silly movie still.


Nice one with the invasions of Europes. Very un-silly.

Trepanning. I'm not sure if they still do it sometimes, probably right? It seems awesome, except both of these guys are like "bluh."

Seriously? I would not sit in this, even if I liked to sit in silly chairs.